The Mudblood and the Ferret
by Ifuonlyknewgrl
Summary: NOW BACK IN SHOW! In the middle of one of their infamous fights, this time over an Ancient Runes book in the library, Draco and Hermione accidentally become cursed by the wretched book, making them switch bodies! For how long, however, neither of them kno
1. A Curse

**The Mudblood and The Ferret**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything! I don't make money off of anything! But I do own this wacky plot! Mwha ha ha ha! 

**Rating: **"M" for later chapters involving complete and utter awkwardness. Adult themes and such, swearing, late night rendezvous! Woo! I'm so excited!

**Warning**: My lame attempt at humor. I'm more of an angst-filled writer. So you have been warned. (Personally, I think I'm doing a superb job at trying to be funny!!!)

**Summary:** In the middle of one of their infamous fights, this time over an Ancient Runes book in the library, Draco and Hermione accidentally become cursed by the wretched book, making them switch bodies! For how long, however, neither of them knows! Dramonie story! Attempted humor and a good read. No HBP.

**Author's Note: **I think I'll enjoy writing this story a lot! It seems like it'll be fun! I promise you guys I won't slip up and write something completely angst-filled. It'll be good. I promise. Please do leave constructive criticism, or some suggestions of changes/fixer-uppers you might want to see within the story! Thank you!

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**Chapter One:** A Curse

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"Malfoy," Hermione growled. "_I'm_ using that book, so _shove off,_" she pulled back the only copy of Magical Curses for the Charming Mind by Mundus Blocumous, from Draco Malfoy's grasp.

"I need to use it, Mudblood," Draco said casually, grabbing the book back, immediately Hermione released it.

"I'm not going to get into a tug-of-war contest with you Malfoy, the books fight back," she muttered.

"What the hell are you on about? Have you finally gone barmy, being cooped up in here all the time?" he smirked, tossing the book in the air and gracefully catching it. He tossed her a wink. "Thanks Mudblood." With that, he sauntered away without giving her a second glance.

"Nasty git," she mumbled.

Hermione was once again studying in the library. Anyone at Hogwarts could tell you that the awkward, overly-smart Gryffindor spent every waking minute she had to spare cooped up in the library brooding over several open texts, scrolls, and half empty ink bottles. Her hair was usually in disarray, and her brow would be quirked in a quizzical matter, her shoulders hunching over in a scholarly manner. She was Hermione Granger, the Mudblood Gryffindor Princess who was Top in Her Class.

It can also be said, by the many students of Hogwarts, that one could find Draco Malfoy sashaying his way over to the studious bookworm-Mudblood, aiming to torment her for a few minutes. As per usual, Draco Malfoy would fight with her over the usage of a book the mudblood was using. His face would be twisted with mock humor, his brow raised in a tormenting, amused matter, and his shoulders straight and broad in a princely manner. He was Draco Malfoy, the Ferret Slytherin Prince who was Second in His Class.

"I swear, they're always fighting," commented Lavender Brown, as she walked away witnessing yet another argument the two were furling over concerning a Charms book. "If I didn't know what type of person Hermione was, I would say that the two of them were shagging." Her boyfriend, Ron Weasley, huffed.

"That's bloody impossible. Hermione hates his guts!" They watched as Hermione gave in, returning back to her work, and Draco leaving her alone to check out the book with Madame Pince.

"I know Ron, Hermione's not that type of person." They waited for Malfoy to leave the library before they too exited.

------

"So what do you think about your new relationship with Harry Potter?" asked Colin Creevy.

"Honestly, Colin. It's not that big of a deal…we were going to get together eventually."

"And are you going to write about him for next weeks issue for your column, or are we still sticking with the 'How to Find Love before Valentines Day' topic?"

"Um, the latter of the two."

"Valentines it is then!" Colin exclaimed, scribbling madly in his parch pad. "Do you think I could get a picture of the two of you? You know, for the News Section in the newspaper?" he asked.

"I'll talk to Harry about it," she said, taking a sip from her pumpkin juice.

After several letters to Dumbledore, two fist fights with a few Slytherin bastards, and a new camera lens to replace the old one, Dumbledore had approved of Colin's weekly newspaper called: _Hogwarts Express_, albeit reluctantly. Colin had gathered a team of fifteen reporters from Gryffindor, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff to help run and manage the newspaper. After the first issue, it became a mad success at the school. Students loved reading about the scandalous affairs, Hogwarts updates, and a sassy relationship advice column written by none other than Ginny Weasley.

The Gryffindor table was chatting amiably, some exchanging classroom notes, others discussing the latest gossip from _Hogwarts Express, _or their latest Potion's mishap. Colin was sitting next to Ginny, who was his best mate, along with Owen Cauldwell from Hufflepuff, who decided to sit with the Gryffindors that day.

"Owen, how are you with the Hermione Granger article?" Colin asked.

"It's rotten luck with that, Colin. She won't let me talk to her at all. She doesn't pay me any attention when I walk up to her too."

"All you have to do is interview her about the Valentines Day outing for the Sixth and Seventh years, how is this so hard?"

"Hermione is stubborn, Colin," Ginny said softly, taking pity on Owen. "I'll interview her, eh? We're good friends," she offered.

"Good—all of Hogwarts wants to know what's going on with the Head Girl and her plans. Valentines Day is two weeks from now…"

"I know, don't worry! I'll get the coverage."

------

After putting it off for a whole of two hours, Hermione finally gave in and started on her Ancient Runes homework. She was yet again in the library, having set up her camping site for the afternoon, and went off to browse for a specific book for her assignment. She had to find a very old text that would decipher an ancient runic script written by the Egyptian Goddess of love, Hathor. Her fingers ran across the spines of the books until she came across the personal memoir of Hathor herself. Hermione practically screamed in joy as she pulled the book down from the shelf, eagerly bringing it back over to her seat to pore over for the remainder of the evening.

Carefully, she began to decipher Hathor's meaning of love and fertility.

"So she's the Mistress of Heaven," Hermione said aloud, amused.

"It's also said that she stripped naked in front of Ra to cheer the old bastard up," said a voice. Hermione jumped and turned to see Draco Malfoy staring inquiringly at her.

"That's just a myth, Malfoy…" Hermione replied briskly, returning back to her book. Draco coughed.

"I need that book, Mudblood." Hermione looked up at him, her face twisted with disbelief.

"Um, excuse me Ferret? No…not this time! I'm keeping the bloody book. I found it! I need it! I KEEP IT!" she was nearly hysterical now.

"I need it more than you do!" he shouted, grabbing at the book.

"Leave me alone!" Hermione said, closing the book and moving it away from Draco's grasp, but she wasn't quick enough. He whipped it from out of her hands, turning away from her, but Hermione yanked him around with all her strength, making Draco drop the book. Simultaneously, they grabbed at the book and yanked it. "No!" she cried.

A horrifying splitting noise filtered through the many rows of the bookshelves, and suddenly Draco and Hermione were engulfed in a whirlwind of icy cold wind, whipping around them viciously. Hermione began to scream as she clenched half of the torn book to her chest, not aware that Draco was yelping along with her as they were lifted into the air. She could barely see as her wild curls flew into her face. Suddenly, a deep, chilling female voice began to speak, scaring the shit out of Hermione…

"_And here implies two wretched souls,_

_So bitter it would turn volcanoes cold!_

_That tears away my sheltered skin,_

_From long ago, to here I begin!_

_You wretched monsters will soon pay,_

_And then begin to wish for better days,_

_For in your anger you have stirred,_

_Your heart will become a messy blur!_

_Your bodies will change and so will your hearts,_

_A boy to girl, a girl to boy all together in parts!_

_And then you will learn, how foolish you are,_

_To have torn apart something so precious from afar_

_When midnight strikes,_

_You will awake in fright!_

_And lean towards_

_The Milky Way!_

_You will learn to wait,_

_And will never debate,_

_For love is strong,_

_And hate will soon be long gone!"_

They fell to the floor, both twitching in pain as an electric jolt shot through their bodies. Panting, the pain subsided and the wind disappeared. Hermione shook her hair out of her face, and began to straighten her clothes, making her person look proper once again. Beside her, Draco was releasing a chain of swear words as he also began to straighten himself out.

"What the fuck was that?" he asked wildly. He looked around, and tossed his half of the book beside him.

"I told you yesterday that the books fight back!" she snapped. Draco's mercury colored eyes, that were always void of any emotion, flickered with fear.

"Is the book beyond repair?" he asked. Hermione bit her lip, but slowly nodded her head reluctantly. "Oh sweet fucking Morgana, Granger! This is _your_ fault!"

"My fault? _My fault?_" she asked shrilly, standing onto her trembling legs. "MY FAULT?" she roared one more time. She pushed Draco on the chest, having stood with her and he staggered back a bit, having been caught off guard.

"Don't put your filthy hands on me Mudblood!" he hissed.

"HERE!" she shouted, tossing half the book to him, "YOU CAN HAVE IT NOW FERRET!" the book struck Draco on his forehead, and two red patches appeared on his cheeks. She began to pack up her books and quills, oblivious to the angry look building on Draco's face. "Unbelievable! I don't even know what will happen to me now that the book is destroyed! I can hardly remember the bloody poem!" she cried frantically, swinging her backpack onto her shoulder and grabbing hold of robe that was swung over the back of her seat.

"I can't believe this," Draco muttered, brushing pass Hermione, nearly knocking her sideways. "I can't remember the poem either!"

"Yeah well, you were so busy screaming to have heard anything," Hermione snapped.

"You were screaming too!"

"But I still grasped some of the poem!"

"I'm going to dinner...," Draco muttered, exiting from behind the shelves the separated a private sitting section from the library, leaving Hermione alone once again.

Hermione _rarely_ swore, but when she did, it usually meant that things were seriously beyond her control, and she had absolutely no idea how to handle the situation at hand. "Fuck."

-----

Hermione had come back late in the evening after patrolling the corridors for any students out past curfew, when she saw Malfoy snogging Daphne Greengrass into the wall.

"Malfoy!" Hermione hissed. "This is irresponsible of you! Ten points from Slytherin for being out pass curfew, Greengrass. Get back to your dorm immediately!" she snapped at the smaller girl. The Slytherin girl narrowed her dark eyes, pushing a lock of silky black hair from out of her face as she curled her thick, swollen lips into a smile she threw at Malfoy.

"See you later," she said sexily. Draco smirked.

"Bye Queenie," Draco winked. The girl walked away from them, her hips swaying seductively as Malfoy groaned at the sudden loss of a snog-fest. Hermione waited for Malfoy to regain his composure, and checked her watch impatiently, now realizing it was closing in on ten-thirty. She frowned.

"C'mon and follow me Malfoy so we can finish this. I'm extremely tired." Draco did not complain as he followed her down the corridor.

They found a couple of first years wandering the corridors and sternly told them to return to their dorms, and dished out detentions to the older students. Finally, it was eleven thirty, and Hermione was never happier to fall onto her bed, clad in nothing but boys' briefs and a scandalous tank top. No one ever saw her dressed in such a way, and she mostly dressed like this because the castle was getting warmer this early in February. She closed her shades.

Across the hall from her, Draco Malfoy was getting out of the shower, not bothering with drying his hair. He was wearing a pair of silver boxers and a white t-shirt as he slipped underneath his green silk covers, closing the shades around his four poster bed.

------

In the distance, the chiming of a clock could be heard outside, from the Astronomy Tower's clock, striking midnight. Draco sat up in his bed, breathing heavily as he felt fear enter him and sit horribly on his chest. He pushed back his shades and jumped out of the bed, needing water. Immediately, he was engulfed in a pale, blue light pouring in from his window. He glanced out of it at the stars, several symbols stood out to him, but most dominantly was the Milky Way. He gasped, remembering something from the poem about this particular symbol in the sky. He stumbled backwards, nearly tripping over a pair of dress shoes and steadied himself on the vanity. He straightened up, and peered into the mirror attached to the vanity.

Staring back at him was Hermione Granger, dressed sexily in boy shorts and a tank top. It was then, also, that he looked down at the shoes he had tripped over. They weren't _his_ shoes…this wasn't even his bloody room! THIS WASN'T EVEN HIS BODY!

Draco released a high-pitch—_yes…high pitch!—_scream that could be heard throughout the castle.

-

In the other room, Hermione was also peering disbelievingly into a mirror as Draco Malfoy stared back at her, before releasing a deep, troubling shout of fear.

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(poem is written by mwah!!!!)

So what do you think folks? Do you like it? Was it funny? Do you like what is presented to you so far? Let me know! Also, I'll be entwining other character's stories into Draco and Hermione's story. For example, the little conversation exchanged between Ginny, Colin and Owen at dinner, and also seen with Lavender and Ron's little blurb about observing Draco and Hermione. I just want to make this different, you know? Bring more meat to the sandwich, if that makes sense.

Please take a few seconds and review—constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated!

-Pat


	2. A Gender Dilemma

**The Mudblood and The Ferret**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything! I don't make money off of anything! But I do own this wacky plot! Mwha ha ha ha!

**Rating: **"M" for later chapters involving complete and utter awkwardness. Adult themes and such, swearing, late night rendezvous! Woo! I'm so excited!

**Warning**: My lame attempt at humor. I'm more of an angst-filled writer. So you have been warned. (Thank you all for your reassurance of me actually accomplishing my attempts at humor!!!)

**Summary:** In the middle of one of their infamous fights, this time over an Ancient Runes book in the library, Draco and Hermione accidentally become cursed by the wretched book, making them switch bodies! For how long, however, neither of them knows! Dramonie story! Attempted humor and a good read. No HBP.

**Author's Note: **Thank you guys for the nineteen reviews I got for chapter one! I hope this chapter will bring more attention, but if not, I'm still going to put 100 in this lovely story. Please enjoy, and I hope to hear a bit of your opinion about it in the end! Thanks again!

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**Chapter Two:** A Gender Dilemma

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Draco pulled open Hermione's bedroom door viciously, and screamed once again when he saw himself standing across the hall from him. Hermione screamed also. 

"Malfoy…my body…what…?" Hermione questioned. She was going to throw up.

"What did you do Mudblood?" Draco snapped. He bit back his insults though, feeling strange to hear Hermione's voice say these sharp, angry words. It was even weirder, seeing that these words were directed at _his_ person.

"I didn't do anything! This has to do with the curse…the curse _you_ brought on upon us you bastard!" Hermione screamed. She began to cry now, making Draco's face look blotchy and red.

"Hey! Stop that right now Granger! My body has to remain perfect; do you hear me damn it? You better stop that right now!" Draco cried. Hermione quickly wiped away her tears. Draco stepped up to her, biting back a gasp at the height advantage Granger currently had over him.

"We have to go see Dumbledore," Hermione said suddenly.

"Sure Granger, let's go waltz into Dumbledore's office in the middle of the night, barely dressed, and claim that we've switched bodies because of some deranged book written by an even more deranged Egyptian Goddess." Draco sneered, and Hermione flinched.

"Don't do that…it makes me look insane."

"You _are_ insane Mudblood."

"Shut up! Just…Shhh…be quiet…I have to think…"

"Oh, thinking about breaking into the library to find some counter, eh?"

"Just shut up!"

"Thinking about running to Potty and Weasel?"

"MALFOY!"

"Thinking about—" before Draco could finish, Hermione had covered her hands over Draco's mouth. He began to make small noises of anger.

"Just. Shut. Up!" Hermione shouted. Draco tried to struggle against Hermione's iron grip, cursing the girl's weak, lithe form. Hermione removed her hands.

"You stupid bitch, I could barely breathe!" Draco snapped, placing his hands on Hermione's shapely hips. It was then, that Draco glanced down at himself.

Hermione had a _body,_ and a _hell _of one, at that. She was shapely in the right spots, mostly in the hips and legs region, and she had an ample bosom for a girl of her prestige. Immediately, Draco grabbed Hermione's breasts, squeezing them.

"MALFOY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Hermione roared.

"I'm just checking your ass…" he paused, giving her _the look,_ "…sets…"

"Get your filthy hands off of me!" Hermione snarled. Draco looked up, tossing her a quizzical glance.

"But, _Malfoy,_ this is MY body…" Draco said in an overly stupid tone, the accent being accentuated by a going an octave higher than usual. "What _ever_ are you talking about?"

"You bastard!" Hermione cried. Draco pulled back the knickers that was on Hermione's body and peered down.

"I don't have a prick anymore…how am I going to pee?"

"Girls sit down to pee, Malfoy. And stop looking at me down there!" Draco grimaced.

"Well I have to get used to this deformed body, now aren't I?" he snapped, removing his fingers from the band of the knickers so they would slap back on him. Hermione gasped.

"NO!" she cried out, slapping her hand onto her forehead. "The tattoo!"

"_What?"_ Draco asked, a slow, evil smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

"Oh bleeding, buggering _hell_…"

"Granger?"

"Oh for the love of _Morgana_…"

"Gay-Ranger?"

"Oh mighty _ducks_…"

"MUDBLOOD!" Draco barked. Draco's face, which was always pale, turned bright red with embarrassment. "Mind my _face!_" Draco hissed.

"I have a tattoo…I got it…eons…ago…please, do…not tell anyone…" Hermione gasped out. Draco smirked, making Hermione flinched at how scary that smirk looked on her face. She also realized that maybe she should exercise a bit more, noticing the thickness of her thighs.

"Oooh…I can't _wait_ to look for it!" he said, positively gleeful, bouncing on the balls of his feet and clapping.

"You will do no such thing!" she snapped. "Not only is that is an invasion of privacy, but you don't have to look too hard on my body, it's on my lower back you ninny!"

"Why would Hermione Granger, The Biggest Mudblood of the Century, have a tattoo?"

"I don't need to justify that question with an answer!" she huffed, crossing her arms. She realized that Draco had also wrapped his arms around his current body, shaking slightly. Hermione then scratched the back of her neck, peering down at Draco. "Erm…I have a dressing robe hanging on the back of the door, if you're cold…" she said kindly. Draco shrugged.

"All right, so?"

"Well, you seem cold s'all…I know I would be cold…"

"Well, I'm not…" Draco replied quietly. "I don't need to wear some girlie robe…"

"Well, _newsflash_ Malfoy, you _are_ a _girl._"

"Fine!" he snapped, walking out of the hallway and entering Hermione's bedroom, and soon returning with a fluffy, pink colored robe decorated with white bunnies tied around his body. "If you ever mention this, I will personally lynch you and your mudblood-loving friends," Draco hissed.

Hermione shrugged, "I wouldn't do such a thing. This will surely require some deep psychiatric evaluation when we switch back to our original bodies…I mean…_if…_we go back to our bodies," Hermione said with a small taunting smile. Draco glowered at her.

"Shut it Granger, you're aiming to give me nightmares, aren't you?" he said, watching the smug look cross _his_ face that was currently owned by Hermione.

"You know what? Why don't we just go off to bed and rise early so we can talk to Dumbledore?" she said, abandoning her smug smile.

"Right…" Draco said with a nod.

"We can approach before breakfast," Hermione added.

"Why not after?"

"Because Dumbledore would probably like to eat and avoid vomiting up his breakfast once he realizes your slimy mush of a soul is swimming about in my body!" she snapped. Draco blushed as Hermione released an eerie giggle, sounding completely wrong coming from Draco's body.

"Oh _ha-ha-ha_ Granger…and what do you think you _Mudblood-Lover_ will think of you when he realizes he has talk to the epitome of Dark Wizardry?"

Hermione immediately stopped laughing. "Oi? What's this rubbish?" she asked. "You! The EPITOME OF DARK WIZARDRY!?" she began shouting with laughter, doubling over as she wiped tears of mirth from her eyes. "Are you serious Malfoy? You don't even have the bloody mark and you've reached the age of majority!"

"How do you know I don't have the mark of my Lord, Granger?" Draco asked, placing his hands on his—er—_Hermione's_—hips, he corrected his thought process.

"Well Malfoy…your "Lord" is practically _dead._ He's just roaming the country looking for Unicorn blood. He can't even hold a bloody wand, yet alone cast spells since we destroyed the Horcruxes! The entire Wizarding World knows he's about to die…as a _mortal._ You know, _without_ Harry's help. If Harry had to kill him, your "Lord" will _really _be pathetic then…" she grinned. "And, I checked your arm, just for good measure…"

"You bloody witchy-bitch!" Draco hissed. Hermione again giggled.

"Witch I am but bitch I am not Malfoy! You're just mad because you're a loser…" Hermione yawned then, walking around Draco's fuming form as she entered her bedroom, closing the door with an authoritative _click_, leaving Draco alone in the hallway.

"_Egads!_" Draco blinked several times, his lips turned down in a frustrated frown as he walked into his own bedroom for some much needed sleep.

* * *

The sun, an ever so sweet and blissful bright yellow, poured into Hermione's room and through the drapes of her full size, four poster bed. She stretched languidly as her alarm clock sang _"Get Your Witch On,"_ by the Wicked Warlocks. 

"_Getcha witch on…getcha getcha getcha getcha witch on! WHO'S THAT WITCH??!! WITCHES YOU DON'T KNOW!"_

Immediately she slammed her palm on the dreadful song, her eyes blinking away the sleep that had formed in the corners of her lids. She gave a shaking yawn that made her jump in fright.

The voice was incredibly deep.

Like a _man's_ voice.

It wasn't some psychedelic dream from a result of being in the Ferret presence so much…it was all true…she REALLY WAS THE FERRET!

-

Draco was having a similar dilemma soon after waking. Minus the sunshine, since he liked to keep a Dungeon-ey-feel to his atmosphere. He slid a hand down the front of his body, hoping to find his morning wood proud and ready, but he was met with smooth skin and a funny..._something…_

"What the fuck?" he mumbled, pulling his hand out of a pair of boxer-type knickers. "Oh…yeah…" Draco rolled onto his stomach, finding that round, soft breasts were crushing into his arms that were folded across his chest currently. "Hmm…I could get used to this…"

Draco finally pulled himself out of the bed and grabbed a towel, heading towards his private bath. Having inspected every inch of Hermione's _impeccable_—not that he would ever admit that out loud—body, he then jumped into the tub for a long shower, enjoying the warm water and the apple-smelling shampoo/body wash he had nicked from Hermione's loo eons ago. He thought the muggle product would surely be poisonous to his scalp, but he found the scent quite enduring and sensual, and wanted it.

When he exited the shower he found Hermione standing in the doorway, also wrapped in a towel exposing Draco's person. He grinned as he noticed just how finely chiseled his chest looked. "Is there something I can help you with Granger?"

"Yes there is actually something you can help me with. Unfortunately you're needed Malfoy, I'd rather like the idea of you being completely useless to the world, but…ah… I need clothes," she said. In her arms was a bundle of clothing. She threw it on his bed, and on closer inspection, he saw that it was the formal Gryffindor girl's uniform. He frowned at the conservative length of the skirt and quickly extracted the proper clothing for Hermione to wear from his vast closet. He pressed the garments into Hermione's outreached arm and sent her away with a glare.

"Granger…Granger…no wonder you don't get laid…" Draco said, staring down at the clothes scattered on his bed.

---

They met in the common room. Hermione was holding Draco's rather light school bag with her arms crossed as she lazily watched the clock click on the wall. It was nearly six-thirty in the morning, just fifteen minutes until breakfast. She thought Draco's person looked lovely in his pressed trousers, white Oxford shirt, Slytherin sweater and tie. She huffed when she heard a pair of heavy heels hitting the ground. Facing the hallway to the bedrooms, Hermione watched as Draco stumbled into the common room strapped in Hermione's rather clunky Mary Janes. But instead of the usual knee-length dress, white ankle socks and school sweater, Draco had pulled on white knee-highs, shortening Hermione's skirt and wearing just an Oxford shirt, slightly opened showing the swell of her breasts. 

"MALFOY YOU POOF!" she roared. "GO PUT MY CLOTHES BACK ON!"

"I am wearing your clothes," Draco said calmly, moving to grab Hermione's school bag. "Merlin, what do you put in this thing?" he asked, throwing the heavy bag onto his back. "And how am I a _poof_, Granger? I rather enjoy the way I make _your_ body look in this…" he said with a smirk, walking out of the common room. Hermione growled and quickly followed Draco.

"Wait Malfoy!" she hissed, violently grabbing him by the elbow and yanking him back. But soon Hermione felt two sets of arms throwing her against a wall.

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're doing Malfoy?" said a voice. Through her daze, Hermione stared into the round blue eyes of Ron.

"Ron!" she sighed. "What'd you do that for?" she whimpered, rubbing the back of her head. Ron gave her a funny look and glanced over at Harry in confusion. Choosing to ignore her, Ron moved towards Draco, who was smiling sweetly, and placed his hand on Draco's shoulder.

"Did he hurt you badly Hermione?" Ron asked. Harry was throwing Hermione a filthy look as he followed Ron, questioning Draco-in-Hermione's-body.

"I'm okay…"

"Are you sure? We could tell the Headmaster he was hurting you…"

"Um…it's okay…"

"ARE YOU SURE?"

"Bloody well sure, thanks…"

They exchanged awkward looks and Draco shrugged. He didn't know if this intense silence was common between the Golden Trio.

"Erm…Hermione…are you sure you're okay?" Harry asked fearfully.

"I said yes you dimwit…now let's eat…I'm famished…" Draco drawled, walking away from Ron and Harry, who again stared at each other. Hermione saw as Harry mouthed the words "Time of the Month…" to Ron (who nodded understandingly) and glared. The two boys walked away with Draco who was finding it easy to sway his hips as he walked. Hermione was tempted to scream aloud, but bit down on her lip. From the corner of her eye, she saw Pansy Parkinson dancing her way down the corridor.

"_Egads..._"

* * *

"So I heard Harry Potter was going to take you to Hogsmeade tomorrow…" Parvati giggled. Ginny shrugged.

"Well…he _is_ my boyfriend…there's nothing off about that."

"Oh! Sweet Ginny," Padma sighed. Both Patil sisters were sitting on either side of Ginny, laughing in her ear. Ginny refrained from gripping them by their long black ponytails and flinging them away from her. "He's _Harry Potter…_quite different from the _many_ lads you've shacked up with."

_WHAT?!_

Ginny slowly turned her head to stare hatefully at Padma._ "Excuse me?"_ she hissed. Padma giggled.

"You've dated like, all of the seventh year boys excluding your brother of course for obvious reasons…but—" Just then, Harry walked into the Great Hall, Hermione in front of him. He was right in front of Ginny now, his hand raised in a shy wave when she grabbed the hand and pulled herself into his arms.

"Gin…" Harry gasped, surprised at Ginny's current attack.

"Get me away from them before I hex their ponytails off…"

"Mmm…I know…you're quite handy at the Bat-Bogey…all right darling, come with me…" Harry pulled Ginny along with him, leaving behind two star-struck twins staring longingly at Harry.

"What are you doing here?" Hermione asked rudely as Ginny sat beside Harry. Ginny raised a brow.

"I'm sorry…did I need your permission to sit here?" Ginny asked half-heartedly. Hermione glared and rolled her eyes.

"Of course not Weaselette…but _do_ sit down further from me, you're attracting flies…"

"HERMIONE!" Ginny gasped. Harry stared in shock as Ron turned red about the ears.

"THAT TIME OF THE MONTH!" Ron mouthed to Harry from beside Hermione. Harry nodded, gaining some color back into his face. Ginny, on the other hand, was staring confusedly at Hermione, but quickly dismissed it. After all, was it _that_ unusual for Hermione to act like a bitch? To her, not at all.

"Oh, Hermione…I wanted to ask you about the Valentine Day event!" Ginny exclaimed, suddenly pulling out a parch-pad and quill from her robe pocket. "Do you think I could ask you a few—"

"You know what? I forgot something in my common room," Hermione interrupted rudely, standing from her seat. Ron, Ginny and Harry both got an eyeful of lovely satin blue panties as she lifted her leg to swing it over the bench to exit. Ginny gasped, Harry's jaw dropped open, and Ron blushed furiously, watching as Hermione, who took no notice of having flashed, fled from the Great Hall. If Ginny was crazy, she would have sworn Hermione was running after Malfoy, who had just jumped out of his seat beside Pansy Parkinson. Ginny cleared her throat.

"Panties—er—_Pan_—cakes…anyone?"

* * *

Lavender Brown was nearly late for the start of breakfast as she sped through the corridors. She really wanted to sit next to her boyfriend, who was usually caught smiling, laughing, and on occasion _intimately_ touching Hermione Granger, Queen Bitch-wad.

She absolutely hated the girl! Why? Well, for simple enough reasons!

Her boyfriend absolutely _adored_ her!

She was SMART!

She was the sole Founder of some now-popular organization in the Wizarding world called S.P.E.W, not _spew_, as she sometimes called it with her close circle of friends for laughs.

And she was _gorgeous_.

Possibly prettier than _her_, even. Hermione was taller than most girls her age, with a perfect figure she did NOT flaunt, making guys want her even more. She was the Class-A nerd with tits and ass, making Lavender flinch in surprise and disgust. Lavender herself barely passed her classes with an _Acceptable _and could count on more than both hands the times she failed with the grading _Troll_. But Hermione Granger always passed with an Outstanding.

_How_ did she know this, you ask?

BECAUSE RON BRAGS ABOUT IT!

She was completely furious. Not only did she have to worry about grades, she also had to worry about her boyfriend running off with that _nerd_! Lavender remembers _all. _Especially when Ron broke up with her to please Hermione…but she wouldn't let that mistake happen again. She. Will. Not. EVER.

But as she was running down the hall, smoothing back her long curling brown hair, she was shoulder punched by none other than the Queen Bitch-wad herself.

"WATCH IT BROWN!" Hermione growled, continuing to stock off down the hallway. Lavender, who was flung into a wall during the rampage, squealed in shock and gripped her shoulder.

"YOU FAT BITCH!" she roared, flabbergasted.

"AH! SOD OFF YOU PIECE OF RUBBISH SLUT!" Hermione shot back, disappearing from the hall. Lavender gasped again, at the entire audacity of the situation.

Yeah. She was definitely right about that bitch Hermione Granger. And Merlin be her witness…she was going _down_.

* * *

We take off from Hermione's perspective next chapter. What WILL Lavender DO? And what did Pansy DO? Ew… 

Please review! I only write for you--whoooo!


	3. A Magical Penis

**The Mudblood and ****The**** Ferret

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**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything! I don't make money off of anything! But I do own this wacky plot! Mwha ha ha ha! _**ALSO—THIS IS AU TO HBP AND DH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_

**Rating: **"M" for later chapters involving complete and utter awkwardness. Adult themes and such, swearing, late night rendezvous! Woo! I'm so excited!

**Warning**: My lame attempt at humor. I'm more of an angst-filled writer. So you have been warned. (Thank you all for your reassurance of me actually accomplishing my attempts at humor!!!)

**Summary:** In the middle of one of their infamous fights, this time over an Ancient Runes book in the library, Draco and Hermione accidentally become cursed by the wretched book, making them switch bodies! For how long, however, neither of them knows! Dramonie story! Attempted humor and a good read. No HBP.

**Author's Note: **Hello people! Sorry for my lack of updating—school is hard!!! I'm done for now, so I should be updating! Haha, enjoy okay, please leave me some **welcoming back** comments, yeah?

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**Chapter Three** A Magical Penis

**Warning:** Some sexual content that is…slightly questionable.

* * *

When Hermione was a little girl, around the tender sweet age of five, her best friend was her neighbor Todd. He was a sweet young boy, about a year older than her. He had curly blonde hair that sat atop his head and the lightest blue eyes, like the morning sky during summer. She had known him since nappies, and their mums were also best friends. Once, she went to the bathroom with him, and found him on his potty, and there was something definitely different with his body. Being the intelligent girl she is, Hermione had waited until he left and questioned her mum about the weird thing on Todd's body.

"It's a penis, dear. Boys have them. Only boys have penises. Girls have vaginas, like you and me," her mum had said with a light giggle. Hermione had understood this quickly, and from then on had treated Todd like he had a disease—he had a penis, and that meant something was definitely wrong with him. She stopped playing with him after this revelation.

But she had caught on, these penis-owning people made up half the universe, and yes, some of them had problems, but she would have to coexist with them. They couldn't all be brushed off like she had done Todd. No. They were here to stay. Surprisingly she had adapted, it was evident now more than ever, with her lack of female friends and strong friendships with males.

But she will NEVER, EVER, TRULY understand the female's utmost sexual desire towards the male penis. She thought they were ugly things. Hideous when hard, and just gross and out of place when flaccid—it was a tragedy, surely, for the male race, but a gift to women from Merlin himself.

This question of "why" interrupted Hermione's mind when she was forcefully pushed into the wall by none other than Pansy Parkinson, who had said a string of words that were so sexually charged Hermione nearly gagged.

"Fucking-suck-it-for-you-so-hard-right-now-baby-just-let-me-see-your-prick-eh?"

Then the unthinkable happened (yes, much worse than those string of words!)

Pansy touched Draco's penis.

And Hermione tilted forward into ecstasy. With a loud groan Hermione jerked forward into Pansy's hand and quivered.

"Oh, I see you're happy to see me!" Pansy cried.

"What the fuck," Hermione gripped out. Pansy began stroking motions as Hermione's knees buckled and pressed her back against the corridor's wall as Pansy's hand undid the buckle of Draco's pants, her hands slipping in and pulling out Draco's prize possession. She moved her body to block anyone from seeing what was going on, and pressed her body against Hermione's, kissing her neck lightly while pulling, jerking and playfully twisting. Hermione felt stars after stars explode behind her eyelids as she moved her hips with Pansy's pulls. In the back of her mind, she cursed ever thinking that the male penis was a stupid thing—it was bloody fantastic! There was a rushing of water flooding Hermione's ears almost, and soon there was a mad spasm that erupted through her body, making her collapse on top of Pansy, who seemed ready for the added weight.

"There there, Draco. Good boy," she purred, pulling out her wand and cleaning the mess that was between them. Hermione, who was still trying to catch her breath, didn't hear the words that came from Pansy's mouth. "That's the quickest you've ever come, Draco baby, are you ill?"

When she found her footing, Hermione pushed Pansy off of her, disgust of her actions finally sinking in. She began to make herself right as she scurried into the Great Hall, Pansy sashaying behind her. With a panicked glance towards the Gryffindor table, Hermione sat next to Blaise Zabini, who gave her a curt nod. Pansy then slid in beside her, and placed her small hand over Draco's penis once more, making Hermione jump.

"I-have-to-go!" Hermione stammered out. "This is too much!" Before she could say anything else, she was running towards the door.

"But Draco baby!" Pansy called after her.

---

Hermione made her way into the hall, where she released a much needed sigh. There was a discomfort in her pants, her heartbeat was incredibly irregular, and there was a twisting feeling in her gut that made her want to hurl. She shivered at the very idea that Draco allows Pansy to wank him off in public, but the fact that she had just allowed Pansy to do that to her made her want to have a seizure—for more than one reason, evidentially. Looking about the corridor, she saw Lavender coming down the hall and decided to make a run for it, not wanting any weird looks from anyone. She pulled herself together and disappeared to the stairwell that led to Dumbledore's office.

Just as she made it to the south wing of the school, she heard someone's heels running after her. Believing it to be Pansy, Hermione ran faster, admiring Draco's long legs and calve muscle.

"MUDBLOOD!" screamed a voice. Immediately Hermione spun around, seeing a very pissed off her standing in the middle of the corridor. Draco stood with his hands on his hips, which were sticking out in an attitude-ish manner, far from his princely behavior. His face was an ugly reddish color, which looked horrible on her face. Her backpack, which she had given Draco earlier, was sitting at his feet, and her wild brown curls were scattered all over his face like he had been through the Forbidden Forest. "YOU STUPID GIRL!" Draco howled. "NOT ONLY ARE YOU SHORT, YOU'RE FAT!"

"EXCUSE ME?" Hermione screamed. "I am NOT fat!"

"Yes you are! I can barely run in this body! And Brown seems to think you're a fat cow!"

"Lavender said this?"

"Just now, I bumped into her in the hall and she called you a fat _ugly_ cow!" Draco shouted, completely out of breath.

"Are you serious?"

"As serious as your Grandma knickers, Granger!" he snapped. "Where the hell do you think you're going in my body anyways?" he said as he made his way to stand in front of her.

"So you let Pansy give you hand-jobs in the corridors' alcoves?" Hermione questioned lightly, ignoring Draco's question. This made his cheeks turn a rosy red on her face.

"Did-did she—um…did she—"

"Cat's got your tongue? Or bitch got your di—?"

"—CRAM IT Granger! So what? I get a little action, and it seems like you enjoyed it yourself greatly!"

It was now Hermione's turn to blush, "Well she's obviously good with your prick. Too bad that's all she's good at." Draco laughed at her comment.

"She gave you a right scare, I assume?"

"More than that, actually. I couldn't handle it afterwards, so I sorta took off…"

"You poor thing, but that gives you no excuse to run off in my body down the hall like the raving lunatic girl you are."

"I had to! She was going to continue her molestation of me right there in the Great Hall! Do you honestly let her do that to you? And what about Daphne Greengrass? You were kissing her yesterday night!"

"I would be kissing both Queenie and Pansy right now if it weren't for you and that ruddy curse!"

"I had nothing to do with it! It was YOUR fault!"

"It was YOUR fault, you crooked hag! You wouldn't budge!"

"What?" Hermione screeched. "You pulled the book from me therefore ripping it Malfoy! You fucked it up!"

"Of COURSE I did, MUDBLOOD."

"It's good you're actually admitting it, FERRET."

They stopped talking, instead breathing heavily through their noses as they glared at one another.

"Shouldn't we be heading towards Dumbledore?" Hermione piped up.

"I suppose. We have to tell that old fool soon, the more I stay in your body the filthier I begin to feel."

"Screw you Malfoy," Hermione started, taking off down the corridor, but this time at a much slower pace. "As if I want to stay in a body that gets jerked off in the hallway!"

"Oh ha-ha-ha, Granger! That's EXACTLY the body I want to be in right now! The body that'll make any girl pull her knickers off or service my cock before serving herself a healthy breakfast!" he retorted with a smug grin.

"Let's just go!" Hermione snapped, her voice dripping with utter repugnance for the Head Boy. "I'm getting tired of looking at you!"

"So you're sick of your own person? I knew you had self-esteem issues…"

"Shut up Malfoy!"

"You shut up!"

"ERGH!" Hermione screamed. "JUST BE QUIET MALFOY!"

"Mr. Malfoy?" said a soft, chiming voice. Hermione and Draco both swung around, their hearts jumping in their throats as a slightly intrigued Dumbledore stood behind them, a cup of steaming tea in his hands.

"Pr-Professor! I didn't know you were standing there!" Hermione exclaimed. "Please excuse us for the vulgarity—I mean! It was highly inappropriate and unprofessional as Head Boy and Girl and—"

"Just shut up, Granger. You're sounding like a babbling fool!"

Dumbledore looked towards Draco, amusement and almost staged shock in his eyes. They twinkled. "Will someone please explain the dilemma here? Mr. Malfoy, please explain."

Immediately Draco began to talk, crossing his arms against Hermione's chest creating a swirl of attitude. "Yeah, so here's the deal—Granger here destroyed a Library book, causing the wretched thing to put a curse on us! Now we've switched out of our bodies and I'm a bloody girl for Merlin's fucking sake!" Draco snapped, suddenly feeling extremely emotional. He undid his arms and began to fan himself in the eyes. "Bloody girl feelings," he said with a sniff.

"Now is not the time to get cheeky, Malfoy…" Hermione growled, rolling her eyes to Draco's blatant display of bullshit. Dumbledore pursed his lips as he surveyed the two deranged students. He then brought the streaming cup of tea to those thread-thin lips to blow on the hot surface, carefully taking a sip.

"I believe this calls for an immediate conference with you two in my office. Follow me please."

* * *

It can be said by the many people at Hogwarts that Ginny Weasley was a believer. She was strong, independent, and the second half (or some even suspected the whole) of Harry Potter's heart. With her luxurious ginger hair, her light freckles, and slender physique, she was quite the _Hogwarts Catch_ (the few beauties at the school, consisting of: Ginny Weasley, Daphne Greengrass, Susan Bones, Hannah Abbott, Luna Lovegood (Surprise! Surprise! She IS a blonde bombshell), Pansy Parkinson (On occasion), Lavender Brown, the Patil twins, and yes, Hermione Granger (a rare beauty, intelligence included)). These girls varied from one another on different platforms, but Ginny Weasley was a fire beauty, and she belonged to Harry Potter. 

So imagine what went through this strong woman's mind when she was given a nearly impossible task: interview the ever-so-busy Head Girl, Hermione B. (standing for Bitch) Granger. Don't get her wrong, she loved Hermione, she considered her a good friend, but she wasn't as close to the girl as she was with oh, let's says, Colin. Ginny had her own trio, consisting of two guys and knows how it feels to befriend a female who is socially awkward around her own sex. She grew up with seven brothers for fuck's sake. But Hermione was cold, at times heartlessly ruthless, pompous, and (Oh Fuck It! She was the female version of Draco Malfoy minus the rampant hexes on first years). She said witty and at times hurtful retorts to people who dared to cross her, she wasn't afraid to throw around a painful hex or two, and she was snooty, a perfectionist in her own tormented way. Ginny had mad dislike for the girl sometimes, and couldn't forget all the times Hermione had made Ginny feel like a complete outsider around Harry, Ron and Her. It would be, "Not right now, Ginny" or "This relates to just me, Harry and Ron, Ginny" or worse, "This is none of your business!"

But Hermione was her brother's best friend, and in some way she had come to appreciate Hermione's strong-mindedness, quick thinking, and at times comforting outlook. She was still severe in all senses, but the girl had some love in her. Maybe. Hopefully.

Back to the task at hand though—_Hogwarts Express_ was going to be thoroughly fucked without this interview. There was less than two weeks left before Valentine's Day.

So where was this Believer attitude of hers?

Ah, currently being chucked out the window.

Not only was Hermione acting erratically this morning, she was usually quite unavailable, and when you did get time with her, she was as stiff as morning wood.

Ginny was just dying to hex the shite out of Hermione. At least to clean up that demeanor of hers.

"Oi, Gin!"

"Colin! Aren't you supposed to be in Potions right now?" asked Ginny, her thoughts on Hermione currently evaporating. She was in the Gryffindor Tower sitting on one of the many area rugs in the common room finishing up a Transfiguration essay that was due in an hour. Smiling, she patted the area beside her, inviting Colin to sit down.

"Yeah, I decided not to go…my head hurts and I don't think a dose of Snape will help ease it," said Colin as he sat beside her. He peered down at her essay. "Looks almost done. Three feet?"

Ginny nodded, "yeah, but it should be five. I don't think I'll make it."

"Sure you will, Gin. Just focus. Do you want me to leave you be?"

"No!" she exclaimed. "Please don't, I'll be horribly lost in my thoughts again…I…I just don't know how I'm going to deal with this interview with Hermione."

"You'll be fine. You need to get through this assignment first, and then you'll be able to focus on that. Even if we have to put the paper to bed a day or two late, we'll be fine Gin."

"Thanks Colin," she said with a relieved sigh.

"And you're a strong girl Gin," he draped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her into him. Her quill became limp her hand, and didn't mind the small droplets of ink that fell onto the rug as she was pulled into his embrace. Ginny could smell the soft masculine scent of his shampoo, coming from his soft blonde hair. She inhaled indiscreetly as she could, her eyes closing for a second in thought. When they fluttered open, Colin had softly placed his lips on hers and just as quickly sprung apart from her.

"I'm sorry Gin! I don't—I mean—I'm sorry—I shouldn't have! Don't tell Harry!" Colin was on his feet and scurrying out the exit before Ginny could respond.

Shocked, she brought her hand to her lips, finding herself once again lost and buried in thought.

* * *

It was nearing midnight when Hermione and Draco did their patrols, after enduring their meeting and classes. After having a rather long and upsetting talk with Dumbledore, they concluded that this "gender dilemma" would have to be dealt with immediately, and for the sake of sanity, be kept unknown to their friends. Dumbledore had enlisted help from both Snape and McGonagall, believing that a solution could be thought of from these two areas of magic. Both parties came up with elaborate ideas, but all would have to be tested, and who knew what the time limit for that was. 

And the matter that this was a CURSE created by some "barmy Egyptian bitch" as Draco had put it during the meeting, AND they could barely remember the poem, made the situation even more complex. Who knew what side effects could occur.

"And every curse has a meaning behind it!" Dumbledore had injected with a knowing smile. It took all of Hermione's strength to hold back a seething Draco in her form from attacking Dumbledore.

But as they made their way down the corridors, checking for any stray souls, Hermione looked over at Draco, who was wincing and becoming incredibly pale by the second.

"Are you okay Malfoy? You don't look too well."

"Of course I don't look too well Granger, I look like _you_," he retorted.

She gave an irritated huff, but persisted in her question, "seriously, what's wrong?"

Draco's shoulders curved, giving him a vulnerable look in Hermione's form. "My stomach hurts."

"Did you eat something bad?"

"No you stupid slag, I didn't!" he cried out, his eyes becoming glossy. He bit his lip. "More like a twisting sort of pain, and it's in my back too."

"Well, I don't know Malfoy; maybe you should go see Pomfrey."

"I don't need to see her," he said stubbornly.

"Fine, up to you then." She suddenly laughed, an idea for his discomfort popping in to her head. But before she could say anything, Draco had pushed her roughly in the side.

"Laugh all you want, buffoon! But this body of yours is definitely dysfunctional and in need of rapid repair! I'm sick of being in your body! I HATE your body, and as much as I love the female form, Granger, I wouldn't shag you if you were the last slag on earth!" Draco exploded, his emotions flying out before he could catch himself.

She giggled, "You have no idea how much of a relief it is for me to know that your slimy penis will never come anywhere near me Malfoy!"

"Shove off!" he said, stomping away and heading towards the Head Boy and Girl dormitory.

_Oh yeah, know what's happening there_, Hermione thought.

* * *

As Draco made an attempt to get over the pain that was stirring in his stomach, he tried to focus on his loathing for Granger. While he undressed from out of Hermione's borrowed uniform and into more borrowed clothing of hers, he couldn't help but notice a patch on Grangers knickers. As he peered down, he saw dried and fresh blood on his inner thighs. 

A frantic scream came from the bathroom, as well as an audible giggle from down the hall of the loo.

* * *

I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS!!! NEXT ONE WILL BE UP SOON! Also, please excuse any errors I might have in here! I tried to do a quick read-through! 


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